Divorce is hard to go through

Divorce is hard to go throughWe are of a spiritual inclination, and spiritual discipline serves well. We acknowledge that Sri Sathya Sai told John Hislop that marriage would decline and separation would rise in the times to come. He also acknowledged that cross-cultural marriage is very hard and advised against it for his devotees. Everything in life is a choice, so for those who have chosen or feel that their path of dharma is to leave an unsatisfactory or abusive relationship, we share the following guide on navigating divorce.


Psychologists Advise:

There’s a typical starting point when separating couples come to see Brisbane-based clinical psychologist Kylie Layton: Everyone gets permission to feel.

“One of the first things that people always need help with is permission to have the feelings that they have … whatever they are,” Ms Layton says.

“That’s such a crucial part in being able to process the emotion and then be able to move through that.”

It’s one of several keys to making a relationship separation the healthiest — and the least distressing — it can be.

“Obviously it’s very hard. There’s a huge amount of feeling,” Ms Layton says.

Close up of man and woman seated next to each other with arms folded across their chests. Only arms and up to neck is visible.

 

Divorce
People invest a huge amount into a relationship so it’s normal that they experience anger or deep sadness when it ends. But those aren’t the only emotions that surface.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to separate “the best way that we can”, in a manner that’s healthy, respectful, fair and caring.
Grief and sometimes relief

In a separation that follows drifting apart or falling out of love — as distinct from a separation involving violence or abuse, which this article doesn’t discuss — it’s normal for people to feel hurt and anger.

But many also experience grief, which is often not acknowledged or well understood, Ms Layton says.

“Grief is the emotion that we get in the face of loss of any kind.

“A relationship, particularly a long-term one, is something significant that [people] have in their life. So letting go of that is a loss.”

But there are positive emotions that can come with a break-up too, says Melbourne psychologist Juniper Muller, who works with LGBTQIA+ clients.

She says someone experiencing separation can run the full emotional gamut from fury, resentment and grief, to relief, joy and a feeling of freedom.

“Sometimes the ending of a relationship can be the absolute best thing for a person … [it] can offer an opportunity for change, for growth.”

Ms Muller says there is value in understanding “the usefulness of letting go and getting good at practising letting go, and ending things when the time is right”.
Owning your part

 

It's important for those separating to take ownership, Ms Layton says.
It’s important for those separating to take ownership, Ms Layton says.

“[That means] acknowledging that we are part of what has happened, or that there’s maybe a part that we played,” she says.

Intent, or a clear purpose and focus, is another important factor in a healthy separation.

For example, an intent could be making the choice to be as respectful as possible to an ex-partner. Or, if there are children involved, the intent should be focused on ensuring the wellbeing of the children, Ms Layton says.

She says staying positively focused can require swallowing pride or setting aside anger and frustration, but it can make a big difference to how a separation plays out.
Understanding your separation style

Melbourne-based family lawyer Dani Zetzer also encourages her clients to take responsibility for their part in a separation.

“Divorce is one of the hardest things we go through, and I think it’s OK to grieve and to feel a bit sorry for yourself,” she tells ABC Radio National’s Life Matters.

“But I think that in order to speed up the process of healing, to be better role models for our children, we need to remember that it takes two, and that we need to consider, ‘Well, hang on, what did we bring to the table?’

“That’s a hard question to ask of ourselves when we’re going through a really hard time, but I really think it’s the key.”

Ms Zetzer, who has worked with clients going through divorce for over a decade, says she’s observed different types of people in a break-up.

They include the person still holding onto hope of reconciliation, the person who “micromanages everything … out of fear”, the person avoiding reality who has “their head in the sand”, and the person “really stuck in the past” and struggling to move on.

She says there’s also the type of person “who has made peace with [the divorce]; they’re leading the way, but they can get frustrated when the other person is not where they’re at”.

The categories aren’t scientific, but Ms Zetzer believes they are useful for people in a separation to consider. She argues that someone who understands their own style of dealing with a break-up, as well as their ex-partner’s, is more likely to feel empathy for both parties.
Looking after yourself through separation

Ms Layton encourages individuals to work on accepting that the person they’re separating from is “who they are”.

“Often we have these expectations of how we think our partner is going to navigate a separation that are probably not necessarily aligned with who we really know them to be,” she says.

Aligning expectations with reality is important and can reduce feelings of distress, she says.

Ms Layton also advises people to develop clear boundaries around what communication is and isn’t appropriate for the new relationship.

“So being really clear for [example, that] I will communicate with my ex-partner about the children and their needs, maybe about any lingering things that we need to tie off, but that we then keep everything else separate,” she says.

“Sometimes you can see pressure from one partner for more information about your private life, or your dating life or your financial life, and those kinds of things that they are not entitled to anymore.

“And if we’re just clear on our boundaries, like, ‘I will communicate about this, but the rest of that stuff I’m just not responding to’, and giving yourself that permission to not answer those questions, I think that helps.”

Another tip, especially in the early stages of transition when emotions are potentially at their most heightened, is instead of firing off an angry text message, write it in the notes section of your phone instead.

“[That’s] getting out what you want to say, and then setting it aside for a bit, and then coming back and just distilling that down to things that are really brief and succinct,” she says.

 

"We don't want to fuel fires or get sucked into an emotional game."
“We don’t want to fuel fires or get sucked into an emotional game.”

Ms Muller encourages people to lean on their supports when they’re going through a break-up — and to get in early.

“Sometimes there’s a feeling of shame or embarrassment talking about relationship problems, you want to keep it really private. But in fact, often that just isolates you and makes you feel really alone,” she says.

“If you’re running into troubles in your relationship, don’t wait until the break-up to talk to your friends or community about it.”

 


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